These texts are reproduced here with the kind permission of theBegent Web Site.

The British Council is not responsible for the content of external websites.

We are grateful to our site users Robert Scott and Austin Ramano for the corrections and suggestions that they sent us.

Read the texts below. Why are they funny or strange? If possible, discuss them with a friend/group of friends. When you’ve thought of your answers, see the explanations. Finally, do some writing yourself.

Answers to exam questions written by history students

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
See explanation

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”
See explanation

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
See explanation

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
See explanation

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
See explanation

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
See explanation

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
See explanation

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
See explanation

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
See explanation

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
See explanation

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
See explanation

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
See explanation

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
See explanation

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
See explanation

15. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
See explanation

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
See explanation

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
See explanation

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
See explanation

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
See explanation

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
See explanation

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
See explanation

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
See explanation

23. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. His mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
See explanation

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
See explanation

25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
See explanation

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
See explanation

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
See explanation

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.
See explanation

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
See explanation

30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
See explanation

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Still reading? Have you no work to do?
See explanation

32. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
See explanation

Your turn

Write a funny version of a historical event. Send it to us.

Explanations

Note: not all the grammatical/spelling errors have been corrected - only brief explanation of why they are funny or strange have been provided.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics (hieroglyphics). They lived in the Sarah Dessert (Sahara Desert) and traveled by Camelot (camel). The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere (if they live elsewhere, how can they be inhabitants?). Back

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures (characters). In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis (Genesis), Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?” (these are very strange versions of the biblical stories of Adam and Eve and Cain and Abel!)  Note: not all the grammatical/spelling errors have been corrected - only brief explanation of why they are funny or strange have been provided.Back

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.(if it doesn’t have any ingredients, how can it be bread?) Moses went up on Mount Cyanide (Sinai) to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada (Canaan). Back

4. Solomom (should be “Solomon”) had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines (concubines). Back

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured (cultured) people, and without them we wouldn’t have history (Really? No history?). The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth (???). Back

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name (if he had that name then he was Homer, wasn’t he?). Back

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock (hemlock). After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. (after his death, he was dead!) Back

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits (hurled discusses), and threw the java (javelin). Back

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. (Robert Scott points out that “The original writer may have been thinking that Romans and Romanies were the same people.  But neither word appears etymologically connected with “roam”".) Back

10. Julius Caesar extinguished (distinguished) himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him (He was murdered on the Ides of March) because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus (“It is thee [you]”).” Back

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them (“Tyranny” should be “tyrant”. Even though it would appear that you can’t torture someone by playing the violin to them – although the way some people play the violin, it is torture! – Austin Ramano has pointed out that “Nero did actually torture people with musical instruments.  He was a famously incompetent musician who would hold concerts for hours on end.  Declining an invitation, leaving early or criticizing him could result in your death.  People were known to feign childbirth or even to fake their own deaths to escape those concerts”.) Back

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak (burnt at the stake) and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw (“canonized” should be “canonised” - Bernard Shaw wrote a play called Saint Joan. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Pope Pius X). Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense (”Offense” should be “offence” - usually, being hanged once is quite enough!). Back

13. In midevil (medieval) times most people were alliterate (illiterate). The greatest writer of the futile (middle) ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature (aren’t poems and verses literature?). Back

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head (it was the apple that was on his son’s head when William shot it!). Back

15. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.” (To ‘expose yourself’ means to show your naked body! No wonder her troops all shouted “hurrah”!) Back

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible (Gutenberg printed the bible, which had been ‘invented’ long before!). Another important invention was the circulation of blood (Nobody invented that except, perhaps, for God!). Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking (He popularized tobacco). And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper (Sir Francis Drake circumnavigated the world in a 100 foot clipper!) Back

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday (could you born on another day than your birthday?). He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies (that’s not the right word!), all in Islamic (iambic) pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet (couple). Romeo’s last wish was to be laid (to rest?) by Juliet. Back

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote (Don Quixote). The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained (but did he regain paradise because his wife died?). Back

19. During the Renaissance America began (the place had actually been there for a long time by then!). Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing (cruising) about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe (Robert Scott points out that Columbus’ third ship was the Santa Maria.  The Contract of Santa Fe confirmed his payment for the voyages by the Spanish crown.). Back

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress (Pilgrim’s Progress is the name of a famous book by John Bunyan). The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this (for the people dying? for the babies being born?). Back

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea (taxes on their tea). Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps (a stamp tax was imposed). Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis (these taxes). Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented (Continental) Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin (Virginian), and Benjamin Franklin were two singers (signers = people who sign something) of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats (kites) backwards and declared, “A horse (house) divided against itself cannot stand.” (this was actually said by Abraham Lincoln) Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead (not surprisingly!).

Robert Scott points out that “The original writer is confusing two or three events.  The discovery that electricity could be made by rubbing amber “backwards” against the nap of fur (possibly from cats) was made by the Greeks in approx 600 BC. William Gilbert investigated this further in approx 1600 AD, and coined the word “electric”.  Benjamin Franklin demonstrated, by not rubbing two, but flying one kite in 1752, that lightning was also electricity. I am tempted to add that, while Franklin is kite dead, Galvani’s legs twitch if you put a battery across them”.

Austin Ramano adds “It was neither Abraham Lincoln or Benjamin Franklin who coined the phrase “A house divided against itself cannot stand” but Jesus Christ (Matthew 12:25).  Although it is true that it was actually “said by” (as you put it) all three of them”. Back

22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility (stability?). Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms (the right to bear arms). Back

23. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent (president). His mother died in infancy (how did she grow up and have children, then? She actually died of milk sickness when Abraham was 9. His sister died due to complications of childbirth), and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands (how could he build a cabin before he was born?!). Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation (Emancipation) Proclamation Back

24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time (a time of reason). Voltaire invented electricity (electricity was not  invented, and certainly not by Voltaire! Allesandro Volta invented the electric battery in 1779) and also wrote a book called Candy (Candide). Back

25. Gravity was invented (discovered) by Issac Walton (Newton). It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees (this refers to the story about Newton discovering gravity when an apple fell on his head). Back

26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster (?) which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present (that’s a long time to die!) . Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel (Both of them?). Handel was half German half Italian and half English (that’s three halves!). He was very large (no wonder, if he had three halves!). Back

Robert Scott points out that “At the age of 21, Bach was reprimanded for “entertaining” a young spinster in the organ loft (not attic).  He later married her, so I suppose he might have “practiced” on her first!  More seriously, he certainly practised on a “spinet” (a forerunner of the harpsichord) which may well have been in the organ loft, or possibly in his brother’s attic.  (In this context, you may be intrigued that the spinet was developed from the virginal, presumably after practice.)” Back

27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music (Although this statement may sound strange, our user Robert Scott has pointed out that “The statement that (in later life) Beethoven wrote music to be played loud (and thumped it out on his piano as he wrote it) because he could no longer appreciate the beauty of quiet passages, is generally held to be true.”). He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him (presumably because he couldn’t hear them!). Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this (Beethoven expired/died in 1827). Back

28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened (that’s not possible!) and catapulted into Napoleon (that must have hurt!). Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness (Josephine was barren), she couldn’t have any children. Back

29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West (they said that the sun never set on the British Empire because it was so big that when it was night in, say, London, it was day time in, say, Sydney, Australia). Back

30. Queen Victoria was the longest (reigning) queen. She sat on a thorn (throne) for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign (hard for her reign to continue after her death!). Back

31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing (producing) by hand and started reproducing (producing) by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up (actually the rivers had been there before that!). Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper (reaper), which did the work of a hundred men. Still reading? Have you no work to do? Back

32. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ (Origin) of the Species. Madman (Madam) Curie discovered radio (radium). And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers (Karl Marx was the co-author of the Communist Manifesto and died in 1883. The Marx brothers were a famous comedy team who made many movies between 1929 and 1949). Back